I cant allow anyone to get close, I am nice and I am kind to people, but the vulnerability people need from me, I cant bring it on..

When someone who is close keeps asking for cash, or someone trying to get close keeps trying to find the NEGATIVES and bad things, bad history, things I dont want to think about it, it just seems this person is trying to trap me… What do you think? If someone keeps asking about things you would rather hide, or bad deeds you grew out of and paid for, bad habits etc,, when you start knowing each other it is bad right?

On another note, I am stuck on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I cant get past step 3 and it hurts.

LADIES WHO LOVE THE RULES. Besides the books, and ‘testimonials’ has playing by the rules ever worked for you?

MEN.you get the dating rules thrown in your face a lot, do they turn you off?

I met someone, we talked a lot on the phone, I said I wanted to go for a movie, he jumped at the idea. We went, and there were no tickets available. I suggested we go for a coffee at a place I liked, we did that, then went for a drive. It was nice. He called at nght and we spoke for another hour at night before I went to sleep.

Today he wakes up early, drives a long way, and gets the last two tickets for the movie I wanna see, so tonight I will go see that movie with him.

Now, how many so-called-rules did I breakFIVE at least. (1) I called him at least twice in one day for absolutely no reason. (2)I said where I felt like going/ Said yes to a ‘spontanious’ unplanned date. (3) when that didnt work out I suggested what I would like to do. (4) Spoke to him on the phone even afterwards. (5) accepted an invite the very next day.

Did I feel good? Did I have fun? Is he being nice to me?

YES to all of the above, so why the hell not!

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Some new people gave me their numbers.. whatever.

Daddy had his second stroke, now he is home.

He has lost fingers, he has lost toes, he is bruised, he is suffering from diabetes, he is suffering from high blood pressure, he is having dialysis 3 times a week, his kidneys have failed. He can’t sleep. His knees are wasted, he cant walk more than 12 steps unassisted.

His had blocked arteries all over his body (arteries or veins I don’t know). His Carotid arteries, one is 100% blocked, the other is 65% blocked. They can’t fix this, the doctors say.

He is still lucid, and for that I am thankful.

I don’t know what to say.

Happens to all of us I guess, if we are lucky to live long enough.

I went out yesterday and I wondered why people don’t approach me as much as before.

Till about 2 years ago I was the person everyone talks to, strangers always went out of their way to say hi. Now aside from business and some intimate settings I have been reigning in my friendliness, and I have done so unconsciously. If I’m honest I think I also look a little mean/stuck up.

I still get a good deal of men who approach me daily, but its usually the very confident very unafraid of rejection guys, who probably can approach even the most menacing looking girl in the most hostile environment if they wanted, just because.The ones who will scream and follow and bust out a few lines of poetry, amusing, but not  authentic interactions in my opinion.

Maybe its the cut-throat industry I used to work in, which I may be going back to soon, or maybe I just ‘forgot’ on the way. Anyhow, I tried something, tonight, I will smile like I had a 100K to spend for fun, and a delicious secret. I had this little naughty smile, and maintained it for the whole time I was out, it was not work, once I started I reverted to how I was a few years ago, happier.

A guy came up to me asked me how I was, said I was good, thanks what about you? He said: yeah you look like nothing could ever bother you then he busted out some Arabic just to practice. Its always hard for people to try to talk in a language they are just learning in front of a stranger, so I think my strategy worked just fine, and I had fun. It is rude to approach a girl in public without an introduction where I live as well, but I guess the ‘smile’ worked haha.

I know sometimes it is advised to be aloof, but if I am in a safe environment, that I am comfortable and strong in, why not look approachable? It doesn’t feel too good to be disconnected.

Just some extra info: research shows that you can bring on a happy feeling by just smiling. Sounds good. If you wanna know more google: Smiling Makes You Happy.

Enjoy your smile, and if you need to work on these pearly whites, get it done, or get over it and smile anyways. It is worth it.

Copied from different sources ask if you wanna know, amended to be personal to me:

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Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. Be content with your life. Please yourself!

The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will. Stand on your own two feet in every way, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and socially.

Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. Don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them. The only person I can control is ME!

In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around. If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.

Dont be afraid to be without anyone. If the choice is between dignity and having a relationship, prioritize dignity above all else.

Whether you have terms and conditions indicates whether you have options. Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants to give freely; then observe who he is. (isnt that powerful?!)

If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.

Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.

One of the best date ideas in life for me is a day in the acquarium… Since I have nobody to take me I took myself there yesterday. As I went inside people were lining up for a ‘memory’ photo. I first walked away and said, no need for a photo, then in a minute I walked against the crowd to get a photo, security people actually followed me to see why I was going the ‘wrong’ way, I took a photo, smiled, and I put it in a snowglobe for the office.

I lost myself there, I was hypnotised by the jellyfish, wowed and scared by the sharkes, and saw penguins for the first time in my life.

Some people approached me, and I got the comment, you are too beautiful to be doing this alone, not once, but twice!

NO I am not too beautiful to do this alone, I am that confident, I am enoying MY company, and If I only have 341 days to live, why would I not do what I would enjoy?

Went for a movie after, and I was happy.